Mud, Sweat, and (Cyclo)Cross-Dressing in the Rain

Perfect technique: whip in teeth, fishnet tights, and laser focus.

Perfect technique: whip in teeth, fishnet tights, and laser focus.

Cyclocross: Take high-octane bike racing, then shake things up with terrible weather and tough terrain. My friend Paul calls cross, “The hardest hour in cycling.”

Started in Northern France 100 years ago and featuring a deep history, cross is a lap race in the sharp teeth of incoming winter. REAL cyclocross happens in pouring rain, sleet, mud, and cheery chaos.

Kiss rocks out with some air guitar. (They both raced later.)

Kiss rocks out with some air guitar. (They both raced later.)

For a variation, there’s the Cross Crusades Halloween race in Bend, Oregon. It’s cross racing, but mixed with a generous dose of hilarious costumes. The result is a fine way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Pictures are the only way to convey this scene, so I’ll let them do the talking. (I was snapping photos, not racing, to be clear.)

If you get a chance to see a cross race, make it happen!

Chelsea rocks her Raggedy Anne outfit; I'm employee of the month at McDonalds (not a big deal...)

Pro spectators: Chelsea rocks her Raggedy Anne outfit; I’m employee of the month at McDonalds (not a big deal…). Yes, that’s my real hair.

Free Tacos cranking hard to make up lost time.

Free Tacos cranking hard to make up lost time.

Even Superman has to run up stairs!

Even Superman has to run up stairs!

Jesus in hot pursuit of a Roman.

Jesus in hot pursuit of a Roman.

A rider dialed in and focused on the last lap.

A Minion dialed in and focused on the last lap.

Jesus runs from the Romans.

Jesus runs from the Romans.

Our friend Paul (dressed as Rocky) cranks to the finish.

Our friend Paul (dressed as Rocky) cranks to the finish.

Winding turns for the racers.

Winding turns for the racers.

A future shredder playing in the mud while his dad races.

A future shredder playing in the mud while his dad races.

I'm not sure what's tougher, riding in deep mud or a purple dinosaur costume...

I’m not sure what’s tougher, riding in deep mud or a purple dinosaur costume…

After his own race, Jesus grabbed a beer and flung water at each rider: May Cross be with you!

After his own race, Jesus grabbed a beer and flung water at each rider: May Cross be with you!

Racers run through an obstacle section.

Racers run through an obstacle section.

Ah, contrast: Chelsea, her weird cat doll, and a racer...

Ah, contrast: Chelsea, her weird cat doll, and a racer…

Simple, genius costume: Tight jean shorts and a heart rate monitor.

Simple, genius costume: Tight jean shorts and a heart rate monitor.

Luigi pauses to snag a dolla dolla bill from a fan's underwear.

Luigi pauses to snag a dolla dolla bill from a fan’s underwear.

Muddy and fun!

Muddy and fun!

Spotted: a jellyfish throwing down on a bike.

Spotted: a jellyfish throwing down on a bike.

Nothing destroys a drivetrain faster than cyclocross.

Nothing destroys a drivetrain faster than cyclocross.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo runs stairs together.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo runs stairs together.

Arrrrriiiba! The mariachi foursome on the stairs.

Arrrrriiiba! The mariachi foursome on the stairs.

A little S&M action on the course.

A little spanking action mid-ride…

A monkey in a solo breakaway.

A monkey in a solo breakaway.

Dirt, grime, forearm hair, and a pretty blonde wig. This guy stopped halfway up the steps, sat down, and put on new lipstick. AMAZING.

Dirt, grime, forearm hair, and a pretty blonde wig. This guy stopped halfway up the steps, sat down, and put on new lipstick. AMAZING.

6 replies
    • Dakota
      Dakota says:

      Too fun, huh! There’s even a 5k after the main race if you aren’t into the biking. Buy your plane ticket north already, J$! But maybe wait until spring…

      Reply

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