Are you an Illuminator or a Diminisher?
Plus so many photos from Sedona.
Hey there, Traipser! Dakota here with Traipsing About, my no-AI-slop newsletter exploring living an intentional life while reclaiming creativity as an adult. I spice things up with experiences, pictures and drawings from traveling in our Airstream.
Thank you for being here. I appreciate your time and attention in this firehose onslaught of a world, and hope today’s newsletter helps ground you a bit.
In case you missed it: Last time I wrote about the ups and downs of two months on the road in our Airstream.
Sedona eye candy
I love Sedona, and not for the famous vortex energy. I didn’t even partake in a horse divination session or didgeridoo lesson during our stay.
Instead, we spent over two weeks hiking, biking, and soaking up the aura of the place (ruh roh, they got me).
Auras or not, I love that bike rides in Sedona take longer because I can’t stop pausing to take photos. That the colors surprise and wow me and that every sunset somehow feels fresh and too magical to be real.
There’s just so much awesomeness: the saturated colors, the quasi-alien landscape, the sunsets that would make an Impressionist painter go apeshit with excitement. (And confound this newbie watercolorist.)
Enough chit chat. More pics, Dak Attack!
How to know a person
I just finished David Brooks’ book How to Know a Person and the contents are sloshing around in my head. It’s a reminder that while I’ve invested many hours learning about communication, there’s always more to grok.
For me, the most powerful idea was the distinction between an “Illuminator” and a “Diminisher.” For me, seeking to be the former in conversation feels like a lighthouse in the fog and rain of conversation, a signal to follow.
Illuminators:
I’d sum up this approach as “most people have their answers inside them, but they need a guide so they can hear themselves figure it out.” They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time.
They’re:
Persistently curious.
Receptive listeners (versus waiting for their turn to talk).
The kind of person who will sit next to you during a hard time.
People who see someone’s strengths and mirror them back at the person.
“Lingerable companions,” someone you look forward to hanging out with after dinner or by the pool.
Diminishers:
Meanwhile, we’ve all met—and at times probably BEEN—a Diminisher, someone who:
Instantly sizes people up (closing off their curiosity).
Talks AT people not with them (Bore Bombs!).
Stacks stereotypes instead of seeing the nuance in everyone (he’s a gun owner?! He must be this kind of person).
One-ups like mad (you did this? I did it too, but via helicopter under a full moon!)
Yikes am I guilty of one-upping. Someone mentions a trip to Iceland or that they play the piano and I seek common ground (oh, me too!). Soon, we’re talking about me and my experiences. Sigh.
I’ve chilled that tendency over the years, but still have to restrain myself like a yapping little dog flapping at the end of a leash whenever there’s common ground.
Not where, but why
Illuminators also ask for stories about specific events or experiences, and then they go even further. They don’t only want to talk about what happened, they want to know how you experienced what happened. Cool that you went on a trip… how did it change you?
Related to that, a good conversation is not a group of people making a series of statements at each other like two people galloping around with jousting lances thrusting like maniacs in separate lanes. Uhhh, that’s a BAD conversation. A good conversation is an act of joint exploration (and certainly doesn’t involve lances).
What I notice about those conversations is that I walk away completely unsatisfied. Unseen, bored, wishing I’d just used that time to play the piano or read a book instead.
Of course, being an Illuminator runs the risk of fading like a wallflower and letting other people trample you in conversation. But most of us don’t struggle with talking too little. We know our own stories, and many of us tell them often (raises hand).
I’m working on it. Less yapping, more listening.
Traipsing Tidbits
Things I found interesting, useful, or just downright cool. Never an affiliate link to be found.
My recent post about maintenance paled in comparison to the hilarious summary of repairs that our friends at Living in Beauty have fixed in their 10 years full-timing in their Airstream. Note to self: AC units can just blow off the roof?!
I just reached the milestone of five years of drawing, which makes me appreciate this lady’s TWENTY years of the same.
Loved Kevin Kelly’s thoughts on six selfish reasons to have kids (including that they’re entertaining and that you potentially have friends for life).
My favorite financial newsletter these days is Social Cap: funny, insightful, grounding thoughts on investing that always teaches me something.
Alastair Humphreys with another brilliant idea: buying an old film camera and photographing the same tree every week for a year.
Traipsing About is heading over the nearby mountain pass. But first, a quote for the road…
Is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close are we able to come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?
The Wind-up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami
May we be Illuminators and give it our best shot!
Onward,
Dakota
Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed all the photos. I made a ceramic drum when I lived in neighboring Arcosanti. For me, there's some grounding and elevating energy in that area.
Thought of you while listening to Kelly Corrigan Wonders and her discussion with Pico Iyer on curiosity. Have you listened to her?
“…horse divination session or didgeridoo lesson…” Thanks for starting my day with a laugh, and thanks for the reminder to listen more and talk a little less.