The world keeps changing
And so do we. Right?
Howdy Traipser! If you’re new around here, I’m Dakota and this is my newsletter about reclaiming creativity and ditching tired personal paradigms.
If this were 530 B.C. in the time of the ancient Greeks, I'd have to scratch this message into a wax tablet and deliver it to you via a runner. (For you local readers, I’d use Greek smoke signals, but Australia and Japan are too far for that.) Instead, I typed this up on my Dell and ZING, here’s the 124th edition of Traipsing About in your inbox.
This week, let’s set the tone with this William Stafford poem (thanks George).
Any Morning
Just lying on the couch and being happy.
Only humming a little, the quiet sound in the head.
Trouble is busy elsewhere at the moment, it has
so much to do in the world.
People who might judge are mostly asleep; they can’t
monitor you all the time, and sometimes they forget.
When dawn flows over the hedge you can
get up and act busy.
Little corners like this, pieces of Heaven
left lying around, can be picked up and saved.
People won’t even see that you have them,
they are so light and easy to hide.
Later in the day you can act like the others.
You can shake your head. You can frown.
This week on Humming About, Edition #124:
How to make friends (the right way).
Seth Godin drops wisdom
It’s summer, but how much water to drink?
Traipsing Tidbits: piano drawers, weird credit card charges, AI tools, and Sri Lankan piano.
Oh, and T. Rex deals with spring love. :)
Side note: In case you missed it, last time I wrote about decoding life decisions with enthusiastic consent.
Building solid friendships (the right way)
Exactly a year ago, a longtime friendship ended. Thinking back on that reminded me that filtering the people we allow into our lives is probably the most important factor in determining whether we will live a happy life or not.
Anyway, it seems like a good time to repost this essay from 2022, which none of you recent Substack subscribers have seen.
During the past three years, two of my friendships blew up. One major reason sticks out: I started setting boundaries…and holding them.
For instance, when I asked one friend if he could call me for a conversation instead of sending long monologue texts, he responded, “I’ll call or text whenever I fucking want to.” Say. Whaaaat?
It went downhill from there. Shockingly.
Oddly enough, I was culpable as well! Since I hadn’t set and, more importantly, held boundaries before, I’d allowed people into my life who didn’t respect them. Or at least respect mine.
Boundaries as feedback generators
You know that process of making a friend? It starts out shallow with, “where are you from, mutual friends, the dreaded ‘what do you do?’” question.
As the friendship deepens, you each show more of your true colors via vulnerability—sometimes sending people scrambling to escape through a window—or keep it at acquaintance level with activity buddies or colleagues.
In all new relationship, there are moments where you have opportunities to define who you are and what you expect from a friend. For me, some boundaries were easy to set, while others were difficult.
Values-based boundaries around drinking or not eating animal products were easy. The non-values based stuff was tougher: not wanting to go ski when it was shitty out, but doing it anyway. Not wanting to let people down by declining an invite to, well, anything, then regretting it. Hosting when Chelsea and I needed some down time.
In retrospect, those type of boundaries sound so easy! When I first start exercising them, and then more difficult ones, it felt like bench pressing 400 pounds after starting lifting weights a week ago: overwhelming and even dangerous, like I could get smashed under the pressure.
The good news: I realized that setting boundaries acts as a friend filter to prioritize the people you want in your life.
Because every time we set boundaries, the other person’s reaction is useful feedback. Flexing that muscle gets easier each time, and the feedback helps determine if we want to continue investing in a friendship or shift energy elsewhere.
Looking back at both former friendships that failed, I realize my lack of boundary setting encouraged (or at least allowed) behavior out of line with how I wanted to be treated. If I’d set them earlier and held tight with clear communication (“when you do this, I feel this way and need this moving forward”), I suspect the friendships would have fizzled far earlier.
On the flip side, a remarkable aspect of boundaries is they allow other friendships to shine. When I set boundaries with people and they respond respectfully, it adds more mortar to the friendship trust bridge between us.
With my closest friends, that mutual respect has grown to the point where we can drive a Sherman tank over the trust bridge. All the boundary setting is 100% worth it.
(Pair with my post Do you want to be a buddy or a friend?)
What a gift I have today
Seth Godin dropped some serious wisdom in a recent Tim Ferriss interview. The entire interview struck me as one of Seth’s best. Here’s a favorite section paraphrased:
The world keeps changing and so do we. It’s very tempting to imagine that we are fading away. It’s very easy when I think about 17 things I’m walking away from (downhill skiing, etc) and to feel a sense of loss, to feel like we need to grieve that we aren’t that person anymore.
But now it’s "what a gift I have today,” to be in the shoes of someone at 62 who gets to do things well but only because I’m walking away from things I can’t do anymore. Instead of focusing on what I used to have, I’m working hard and getting satisfaction out of focusing on what I do have, what I can do. And that just raises the stakes for things.
It makes me think about my pivot away from untold hours of athletic pursuits prior to 2020. It truly feels like a gift to have the satisfaction of piano, languages, drawing and other interests rise to the surface (plus still enjoying outdoor pursuits), with many possible doors still to open.
Giving ourselves permission to drop “this is who I am, this is what I do” to pursue new things is MAGIC, people.
Drink dat water!
It’s summer, which means you’re likely going to be more active, which means you need more water. Well, luckily science is on our side with The Galpin Equation.
Galpin is a guideline for how much to drink while exercising. It’s simple: body weight (in lbs.) divided by 30 = number of ounces to consume every 15-20 minutes.
For me at 165 lbs, that’s 5.5 oz, or roughly a standard size water bottle every hour. I also aim to start outdoor activity well-hydrated, often chugging a glass of water before I head out the door.
Traipsing About Tidbits
For you piano/van peeps (all 12 of you!), here’s blog post about how I installed a piano drawer in our Sprinter.
I, for one, hate it when the company behind a credit card charge is impossible to determine. Enter What’s That Charge, which nails them down and prevents me from thinking I’ve been scammed by yet another 16 YO hacker.
For you AI-curious folks: I dig the weekly update on the latest AI developments from Future Tools, even I don’t know what 2/3 of the stuff is actually for.
For dee ears: Sri Lankan/British composer-pianist Tanya Ekanayaka’s new album strikes me as a mix of Chopin and modern piano, all mixed up with a spicy Asian vibe. So good.
Quote of the Week
The below quote relates to my newsletter section last week on enthusiastic consent (aka saying hell yes). I love it so much:
Know where your resentment line is, then set your pricing above it. If you say yes to this thing, will it lead to resentment? If you say no, will you feel relief? Get a sense of where your resentment line is.
From this excellent Culture Study post about how to decline things.
You’ve reached the end of Traipsing About newsletter #124.
This week’s unsolicited advice, à la William Stafford:
Find a little corner of happiness or satisfaction lying around. Pick it up and savor it.
Catch you next time!
Dakota
P.S. Running the NYC marathon is hard, but crossing the road against 25,000 people is perhaps even harder.
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Terrific reminder of your perspective on long-term friendships. I particularly like this line:
"When I set boundaries with people and they respond respectfully, it adds more mortar to the friendship trust bridge between us."
I've been listening to the Founders Podcast recently - basically summaries of business biographies - and I'm surprised how much the host revisits his own notes.
It's an amazing trick to review the things that matter the most to you.
I guess Ryan Holiday also talks a lot about re-reading books and reflecting on the notes his past self wrote... Fun to revisit!
Man, lots of good gems lately on Tim Ferriss' podcast - I'll have to check out the Seth Godin interview. He's always full of wisdom.
I like this one from his interview on Rich Roll last year:
"No one ever bought anything on an elevator and if you’re busy doing an elevator pitch, it’s probably a way of hiding. I think elevator questions are better because what you want is people to follow you out of the elevator and keep talking to you."
The little touch of color in the last dino drawing - excellent!