Local Man Shocked to Discover He’s a Hipster

HipsterPORTLAND, OR – After two and a half decades of living true to his values, Portland resident Blake “Jazzy” Richardson was stunned last Friday to realize he is a hipster. “It just hit me out of the blue while I was listening to an NPR special while smoking my fav foreign ciggie, a Viceroy, and sipping on a PBR.” Richardson said he has since confirmed the hunch with a few friends.

“You know, I’ve always had great eyesight, but nothing seems to match plaid better than a pair of thick-rimmed glasses with no lenses, so that’s how I’ve always rolled. To find out that is “hipster” shook the foundation of my very being,” said Jazzy, who is also plays trumpet for the Persnickety Misfits, a 12-piece piano/tin can/guitar/violin/mouth harp ensemble catering mostly to “people who like to expand their sense of the surreal soundscape labyrinth of the 20s, 40s, baroque and grunge rock eras of music.”

Jazzy’s mom, Linda Richardson, says that “Little Blakey-poo was always on the edge. If his friends rolled up a pant leg, he rolled up two. They rolled up two, he was back to one. Always so ahead of things. He wore jeans before they were jeggings, and pretty much has always hated admitting that he enjoyed anything. Having fun was so uncool for him.”

We brought in expert hipster analyst Liz Ernhardt to dissect the situation. As she pointed out, simply looking at Richardson’s Facebook profile uncovers many tell-tale signs of hipster status. Big sideburns, not smiling in profile pics, ironically dining at Applebee’s but hating it, a picture from Europe in front of the Eiffel Tower titled, “Yeah, it was alright,” plus many shots on his favorite bike, a 1980’s steel frame fixed gear with 4.5” long handlebars and a gold chain.

Strangely enough, however, according to Ernhardt, “the fact that Jazzy didn’t realize he was a hipster actually puts him in the running as a leader in the pantheon of hipsters. Especially in Portland, where competition for status of Best Hipster of Them All (BHTA) is tough to overcome. That fact alone gives him 57 HipPoints in the competition.”

It isn’t so easy to win the BHTA battle. For instance, take one of Jazzy’s cohorts, Arnold “Woot” Westinghouse, who is so hip that he literally has discovered bands that don’t even exist yet. Or Nick “Lameness” McDouglas, who has panned fashion styles, tattoos (other than his own, which he doesn’t even understand they are so complex), restaurants, travel destinations, and dog barks for almost 26 years.

Not that Jazzy seems to care, after two days to come to grips with things. “Competition? I’m not into that. That is so lame!” was the final rejoinder to our interview as he packed his new iPhone 5s into a slick messenger bag, snapped his cycling cap tight to his head and swung his leg over his fixie. “I just live true to myself, bro. And that’s what matters.”

Dakota’s note: Prior to this trip, I was a member of a brilliant concept some friends came up with called a Creativity Support Group. It pushed us to do things like write, draw, compose, and otherwise be creative with a group of supportive friends holding you accountable to the project. The prompt that resulted in this piece: write an Onion article.

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